The Break... That Breaks You...

A parent walks up after class, a little apologetic, and says "We're going to take a break for a while."

They mean it. They honestly plan to come back in a month or two... and in over thirty years of running schools, I've watched how that usually goes. It's really hard, nearly impossible, for a family to get back to training after a break.

If your family is thinking about a break right now, come into the school. We can help.

A break means…

Every one of these comes from a parent who loves their kid and believes it's temporary. At our schools we don't even use the words "freeze" or "pause," because we've seen where they go.

Martial arts is a 4th-level activity

Martial arts is a 4th-level activity – personal development, which works a lot differently than t-ball, soccer or piano. The first three levels in a kid's life are parents, school and activities like sports and music. Activities come and go, and taking a break from one is normal. Personal development builds the kid themselves, and it only works if they KEEP going (especially when it gets hard).

Sr. Master Sanborn, Mr. Flees and I walk through all four levels in our podcast, The 4th Level (Moody et al., 2023):

A lot of families file martial arts under level 3, right next to soccer and piano... and from there a break sounds harmless, but building your kid at level 4 takes years of showing up.

Level 4 is also where discipline gets built. Our definition of discipline is: learning to push myself, even when it's hard. The word comes from the Latin discipulus, meaning "pupil" or "student." We're trying to teach our kids discipline in order to be students of life (Moody, 2024).

Lastly, let’s define success. There are lots of definitions and I am perfectly ok with someone being happy in whatever field they choose. I don’t feel someone is unsuccessful if they are not making a lot of money or not a CEO or famous. I do feel as a parent our job is to help our kids build the maximum capacity they can build (get why we call our school KarateBuilt?). This means giving them tools and not simply the tools from school. They need more than that education… for example:

• The ability and confidence to push themselves if things are difficult
• The discipline to get things done (and take care of themselves)
• Leadership skills so they can be comfortable in front of people

And a lot more we’ve discussed in other places. These are success tools so your child is able to make the choices they want to make out of desire not fear.

Why a break sounds reasonable

Kids get tired. Parents get tired. Schedules pile up, money gets tight, a kid has a bad week in class, and a break sounds like the kind, sensible move... and it's understandable.

Rest matters, and adults take vacations too. The problem is that a break from training almost NEVER stays a break.

Why almost nobody comes back

Families rarely come back after a break from martial arts because the training habit fades once a kid stops coming. Research on habits found it takes a median of 66 days for a new habit to get close to automatic, and a plan to return predicts surprisingly little about what people actually do. Keep your kid coming, even once a week, and the habit stays alive.

A team at University College London followed 96 people building a new daily habit. Among the people whose data fit the researchers' model well, the median was 66 days for the new habit to become close to automatic, with a range from 18 days to 254 days (Lally et al., 2010). They also found that missing one day didn't meaningfully hurt the process.

A missed class here and there is fine. Stopping completely is different, because the habit goes away and starting over means rebuilding it from day one (with the couch and the tablet waiting at home).

Your plan to come back is real… I believe you. Real life isn’t very good at predicting what people really do. A large review of the research found that intentions account for only about 28% of the variation in what people actually do (Sheeran, 2002). That leaves a lot of room for the world to get in the way.

New Year's resolutions show the same thing with adults. Researchers followed 200 people who made resolutions. A week in, 77% were still keeping them. After six months it was 40%, and after two years only 19% were still at it (Norcross & Vangarelli, 1988).

Kids' sports follow the same pattern. A review of 43 studies on why kids drop out of organized sports found the biggest reasons were things like enjoyment dropping, feeling less skilled, social pressure, competing activities, and physical things like growth and injuries (Crane & Temple, 2015). Most of those are temporary problems that can turn permanent once a kid stops showing up.

A school is not a restaurant your family drifts back into a year later. When a kid stops, they usually don't come back.

What's usually going on underneath

When a parent says "we're taking a break," the real issue is usually one of five things: a motivation dip, a schedule change, slipping grades, a tight budget or an injury. Each one is a normal bump that is going to happen and it happens always on edge of growth (more on that later). Each one is easier to solve while a kid keeps training (even once a week) than after they've stopped.

The 3 C's: Confirm, Connect, Continue

The 3 C's are Confirm, Connect and Continue. Confirm means going back to the specific goal you had when your kid started. Connect means asking yourself if that's still what you want for them. Continue means your kid keeps training with a plan, even at a slower pace, while you figure out what's going on.

Confirm. Go back to why you got started in the first place. Think specifically. When a family comes in, our instructors say something like "I remember when you came in, your goal - primarily yours, Mrs. Herman - was for Sally to build more confidence, because she had a lot of anxiety before big events like tests and games." What was yours?

• ☐  More confidence?
• ☐  Better focus at school?
• ☐  Less arguing about homework and chores?
• ☐  Being able to handle a bully?
• ☐  Earning a Black Belt?

Connect. Ask yourself one question: "Is that still what I want for my kid?" Almost every parent says yes right away.

Continue. Keep going with a plan. Continue means you keep training, even when it isn't full speed. It also means getting curious about what's really wrong: busy with work, busy with other activities, or just not as motivated to come to class right now?

The kid who doesn't feel like coming

A kid who doesn't feel like going to karate is having a motivation dip, and every kid (and adult) has them, even about things they love. That's normal, and it usually passes with a little help. Keep them going, talk about it after class, ask what's changed, and ask the school about a ten-minute private lesson.

This is the most common one by far. The kid says "I don't want to go to karate," and the parent (who's tired too) says "OK, maybe we'll take a break."

That's a motivation issue. That's normal, and it doesn't mean you picked the wrong activity or that you're a bad parent. Kids have ebbs and highs in motivation about EVERYTHING, including things they love.

Do you want incredible discipline for your kid? What does that mean for YOUR kid specifically? Homework done without a fight? Finishing the season when it gets hard? Getting up the first time they're asked?

If the plan is to stop every time motivation drops, they learn they can quit whenever they don't feel like it.

DON'T say: "OK, let's take a break and see how you feel."

SAY: “Ok class is now – we can speak to Sr. Master Sanborn” Then they have a great time and keep going…

Which one gets you the kid you described a minute ago?

Then get curious, the same way our instructors do:

• "When did you start not wanting to go?"
• "Is it a class, a friend, a belt you're stuck on, or just a rut?"
• "Back when you loved it, what were you proudest of?"

Then tell us. Often we'll set up a ten-minute private lesson right before their next class, just them and an instructor, to get them excited again. A lot of the time the competition is the couch and a video game (and the couch, the tablet and the TV which are very persuasive).

Great achievement comes with challenges

Kids usually want to quit right at the edge of growth – the stretch where a skill gets hard just before it clicks. It happens on the way to becoming a CEO, a doctor, a lawyer, an engineer or… a Black Belt. If a kid takes a break right on one of those edges, they usually don't come back. Our job as parents (and instructors) is to teach them how to push themselves through it.

This is what I wrote for our parents on the wall at the school:

Great achievements and anything of significance comes with challenges.

100 percent of the time, to accomplish something great or significant like becoming a CEO, a doctor, lawyer, or engineer or… a Black Belt, we encounter times where we don't want to continue – and this happens right when we are on the edge of growth.

As a parent, if you base your actions on what your kids want to do, they won't accomplish anything great or of significance. They'll stop on these edges of growth. They'd rather choose to eat ice cream, watch TV, play video games or simply switch to another activity when they brush against a little challenge.

You may think Karate is about what they want, but it is about what you want for them to accomplish and achieve!!

This is the most important time in their lives. During this time, parents' (and mentors') job is not to push them but to teach them how to push themselves through challenges. If they don't learn this as a child, they will not gain this ability. When they are an adult, they will always give up when it gets tough.

Nobody ever got anything significant or accomplished anything great without mastering the ability to struggle through adversity. That's what we're teaching them.

If you were approved to train to Black Belt and beyond and it is your goal for them, not because of the "belt" but because of what it will mean, then let's work together to build a successful, resilient, and happy future adult!

– Chief Master Greg Moody, Ph.D., Great Achievement... Significance Comes With Challenges!

When your kid says they don't want to go right as a new belt gets hard, there's a good chance they're standing on one of those edges. Keep them coming to class that week, and let your instructor know so we can help them through it.

When the schedule really is packed

When a sport or a busy season does crowd the calendar, the plan that works is one martial arts class a week until things ease up. Your kid keeps the habit, keeps moving toward their goal and keeps the other activity, and the family calendar doesn't take the hit.

Sometimes the calendar really is the problem. What most of our club soccer players do during the season (June to December for a lot of them) is come once a week. They keep progressing toward their goal, and it doesn't wreck the family schedule. When the season breaks, we add classes back and make up for it.

The same plan works for basketball, the school play, or a heavy stretch at a parent's work. Once a week keeps the habit alive, and you never lose any time you paid for.

If a family truly has to miss for a stretch, we set an exact date for coming back and the goal they're coming back to. Then we call and remind you before that date, so the date doesn't slip.

Slipping grades are a reason to BE in martial arts

Pulling a kid out of martial arts to fix slipping grades usually removes the one structured part of their week that builds focus. A better plan ties the two together, with grade goals your kid and their instructor set, so training stays in the week and becomes part of the fix.

A study of 207 kids from kindergarten through 5th grade found that three months of martial arts training at school improved self-regulation, classroom conduct and scores on a mental math test more than regular PE did (Lakes & Hoyt, 2004).

This is exactly what our program is for. We'll set a ten-minute check-in with your kid and some goals, and if the grades don't improve, they don't move up in the belt system. Training becomes the motivation, not one more thing to drop.

When money gets tight

If money gets tight, talk to the school before stopping. We understand it can be embarrassing and that’s why we want to help. Options can include adjusting the payment, stretching the time to finish the course, or a short scholarship for a month or two.

Talk to us. Really.

Just like a college scholarship, if you're not paying for a while you still go to class. What we don't want to do is stop the progress your kid has already made. Our goal is to get you the goal you want.

When they're hurt

Follow your doctor's instructions first, every time. Then call us, because a lot of injuries mean adjusting how a kid trains (not stopping) and we'll set an exact date to get them back on the mat. We have students in every conceivable situation who continue training if something is bothering them. We can always find a way to train that fits your situation. We’ve had students who were born with no arms become a Black Belt… we adjust for them… We’ve had students with back injuries… we adjust to make it safe… We’ve had students train with an arm or leg in a cast… we work around it… We’ve had students who are blind or have low vision earn their Black Belt… We’ve had students with autism and ADHD earn their Black Belt… We’ve had students who were in a wheelchair earn their Black Belt… There’s literally no limit to how we have helped students get to their goals even through obstacles.

This doesn’t mean we make it easy. Per the KarateBuilt Charter: “We measure results based not on who we exclude but on students’ constant growth from the moment they start to Black Belt and Beyond”… the focus is on constant growth.

Quick reference

You can still make progress once a week

While we recommend coming 2 times a week, through a tough stretch, the target is at least one class a week. If your kid is making it in once a week during the busiest season of the year, you may be doing everything right!

Ask your kid what they were proudest of back when they loved coming to class, then put the next class on the calendar together.

"It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. It's the hard that makes it great." – Tom Hanks as Jimmy Dugan in A League of Their Own

You can always reach out to us! I'm looking forward to seeing your kid get their Black Belt!

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